An emotional time

I’ve just realised that I’ve been neglecting my blog recently so have decided that I should try very hard from now on to get back on track with writing it…

The reason for my absence… Oh, where to begin… The day after my last post, darling boyf and I found out that I was pregnant!!! Now this was a complete shock (I’m on the pill you see) so this was a time of much ‘oh my god’ ing and stressing about how we’d cope with the grown-up-ness that is parenthood. However after a day or so we realised that this actually was pretty fantastic news and we happily got very involved with planning for the future – well, feb 2nd 2009 to be exact.

Sadly however, when we went for our 12 week scan (four weeks ago now) we found that our darling bump had died five weeks before. If I’m honest its impossible for me to describe the feelings that we experienced while sitting in that hospital scan room – being told that our tiny baby was dead was bad enough but finding out that it had died so much earlier and realising that I had been carrying it round, not knowing, for all that time was just horrible. The operation that I had to have two days later wasn’t much fun either, it used to be called a d&c but nowadays they’ve decided to give it a new name – evacuation of retained products of conception (erpc) – just in case you managed to forget what you were having to go through they decided to make the name a bit clearer!

You go through a whole range of emotions when something like that happens, from bewilderment (how could I not have known?), to anger (why us), to resentment (directed at all the other couples in the opc unit happily waiting for their scans) but the overwhelming feeling is such a strong of mixture of grief and numbness it doesn’t seem bearable at the time. It doesn’t matter that ‘bump’ only lived until it was seven weeks and that we’d only known about ‘him’ since week five, that was still ‘our baby’ and the loss was immense.

Luckily both darling boyf and I have great family and friends and have found a lot of support over the past month, and I’m pleased to say that it does get easier day by day. I still have ‘wobbles’ when I just want to scream and cry that its not fair – especially when I see young babies and pregnant mums-to-be, but the gaps between the wobbles are getting greater. And looking for a silver lining – you have to try to find one don’t you – at least it has made darling boyf and I realise that we do want a family, and sooner rather than later!

So here’s to baby-making and future ‘yummy-mummy-hood’… and to having lots of fun trying to get there!